Muhammad and Kartini

How long? Dating for four years.

What do you like most about her? She’s very outgoing, unlike my previous girlfriends, yet sensitive and caring.

What do you like most about him? He has a deep, masculine voice that I love, especially when he sings Malay love ballads like “Chinchin Emas” (“gold ring”).

What’s her silliest habit? She wakes up in the middle of the night almost every night to make sure the cat hasn’t run away.

What’s his silliest habit? He treats his four-year-old deaf cat Putih like a human being.

Who wears the pants? M: We both share the pants but I usually give in to her when there is the need, though we agree on most things.

Aaron and Joyce

How long? Dating for two-and-a-half years, engaged to be married.

How did you meet?
A: The boring version of the story is that she mistook me for someone else.
J: But the story we like to tell is that someone pinched his butt. He turned around to see who it was, but there was no one.
A: But then I looked down and there she was! (Joyce is short.)

Was it love at first sight?
A: For me it was.
J: I was with someone else, so no.

Plans for the future?
To live happily ever after.

Who wears the pants?
A: I would say me.
J: Secretly I do.

What face cream does she use? Olay. (Correct)

What aftershave does he use? He doesn’t use any. (Correct)

Fred and Lila

How long? Been together for five years, married for one year.

How did you meet?
F: We met through martial arts. I was working in Tahiti, and I was very impressed with Lila when she came to my class.

Was it love at first sight?
F: For me, yes. I thought, “she’s the one for me! Can you cook? Ok, marry me!”

Plans for the future? To have babies. One, two...we’ll see. But for now, we want to travel around the world to meet new martial arts masters, and to spread our teachings. Our common passion of helping people grow through martial arts keeps us together.

Who wears the pants? F: Me, but we are a team.

Raymond and So Young

How long? Been together for eight years, married with a son who is eight-months-old.

How did you meet?
R: Ours is a made-in-Korea love story—think of a Korean Sliding Doors. We met when I was backpacking in Seoul in 1998. I was on a train when I realized that my fly was open. Instead of zipping up in front of everyone, I moved in-between carriages to do it there. And I saw a beautiful lady reading an English newspaper. The person sitting beside her got up; I took his seat, got out my map, pretended to be a lost tourist and used that as a pretext to ask for her phone number—which she gave! I called her a few days later and we met for drinks. I bought her a bouquet of baby’s breath, which turned out to be her favorite flower, scoring me points immediately! We bravely held hands, and I attempted (but failed) to kiss her at the end of the date. On the day I was due to leave Seoul, she came to say goodbye, and we wrote to each other every week for two-and-a-half years before she moved to Singapore. I later found out that she didn’t normally take the train to work, and just happened to be on the train that day because she was running late. What a lucky coincidence!

Was it love at first sight? Yes for me, but not for her.

Alphonsus and Irene

How long? Dating for two-and-a-half years.

How did you meet?
I: I was working in a dive shop and we were short-handed and I asked Alphonsus to help out.

Was it love at first sight?
I: No. We were working. But he called me a few days after his stint, and we went wakeboarding. It all started there!

Plans for the future?
Lots of scuba diving, wakeboarding, and ice hockey.

Who wears the pants?
A: I do.
I: He likes to think that he does.

Shilton and Jennifer

How long? Together for 17 years, married for 10.

How did you meet? Through a mutual friend at school.

Was it love at first sight? S: Uh...no. Well, actually it’s a yes.

What makes her happiest?
When I quit smoking two years ago, she was very happy.

What makes him happiest?
He’s always happy when I spend time with him. He needs a lot of attention.

Who wears the pants?
S: Me! No, actually we share. We each take one leg.

Plans for the future? To go backpacking through Europe when we’re 40.

Amber and Alex

How long? Dating for four months.

How did you meet?
Through a mutual friend at a pub over a World Cup soccer match.

Plans for the future?
Amber: We’ll probably get married in a few months and have a couple of kids before we are 30!

What’s her silliest habit?
She insists on wearing this old T-shirt all the time...which is falling apart and is full of holes!

What’s his silliest habit?
Cursing and swearing at inept drivers who can’t hear him.

Who wears the pants?
Alex: We try not to dominate each other and give each other space.
Amber: Me!

Nick and Sorelle

How long? Dating for two-and-a-half years, now engaged.

How did you meet? Through a friend at university.

Was it love at first sight?
N: No. I pretty much ignored her and treated her like dirt.
S: Yeah, I hated his guts. But I fell in love when I saw through his tough exterior.

What makes her happiest?
Winning at Scrabble. It doesn’t happen very often. Last time we played, she tried to spell “quilt” with two T’s.

What makes him happiest? Cheese. Only cheese will please him.

Who wears the pants?
N: She lets me think I do.
S: I do.

Glenn and Kathleen

How long? Together for 3 years, married less than a year.

How did you meet? We met at a mutual friend’s house party.

Was it love at first sight?
G: No. More curiousity. I actually tried to set Kath up with a friend of mine and he blew her off so we got to get to know each other. He had his shot, so now it was my turn.

What’s her silliest habit? She dances for the baby and cracks baby Kate up.

What’s his silliest habit? He walks out of his socks. When he comes home, he will slip his socks off using his feet, and leave them in the middle of the floor.

Who wears the pants?
G: I do.
K: I do.

Gregory and Coral

How long? Dating for four years.

How did you meet?
C: I was in a play, and Greg was my stage manager.

Was it love at first sight?
C: For me it was. I thought Greg had great hair, so I asked him if he would go out with me and he said OK. That’s the short story. The truth is, I struck up a conversation with him that led to me asking him out to dinner.

Plans for the future?
C: I have the biological need to have curly-haired children. But for now, we have no plans as a couple.

Who wears the pants?
G: Coral thinks she does, but it’s actually me. No, we share.

Chee Gee and Enny

How long? Been together for five years, married for one year.

How did you meet? Through friends.

Was it love at first sight? Yes, it was.

What makes her happiest? Traveling.

What makes him happiest? Playing with his X-box.

Who wears the pants?
C: I think we discuss stuff and go for the best solution for both of us.
E: He does.

Considering the amount of time we spend in front of a computer screen, it’s no surprise that the internet is now one of the most popular ways to find love. It’s also a lot easier than the real thing—the butterflies in the stomach, working up the courage to approach, dropping the pick up line as casually as possible, dealing with rejection…all this is eliminated in the Cyber Meet Market. You can cruise as long as you want, flirt to your heart’s content, and meeting up face-to-face is only an option, not the rule. According to a 2000 BBC report, in the next 15 years, pick-up lines will disappear as everybody turns to internet dating. But with the ease that online dating affords comes a whole new set of challenges, including fierce competition and abundance of supply. How can you stand out from the crowd? We asked the experts.

Follow the Four P*s

There are plenty of dating sites, not to mention “networking” ones (MySpace, Hi5, etc.), where you can get connected with hundreds of online daters. So how can you reel in Mr. or Ms. Right? Marketing! With the right strategies, we all stand a good chance of finding our match. “The Four P’s” is a common business model used to market just about everything, so why not yourself?

Placement is how you show off just what a kind, witty and generally magnificent creature you are. More importantly, you need to promote the fact that you are single and available. According to GMM Grammy promoter Ratthakarn Noiprasit, who has mapped out the marketing plans for artists like Sleepless Society, Calorie Blah Blah, Endorphine and Bird Thongchai, it’s essential to be out there and network as much as possible. “When we begin representing new artists, it’s crucial to find out their unique selling point, determine who is the target audience and promote accordingly. And the internet has been really useful in promoting artists,” says Ratthakarn. “It helps the artists to reach millions of fans around the globe and allows these fans to chat directly with their favorite singers. Most people nowadays may not have time to watch TV or listen to the radio, but everyone is online.”

Toby Jones, founder of dating site wheresmydate.com, is of the same opinion. “You’ve got to remember that people are now regularly living on the internet—working, booking holidays, shopping, and even consulting doctors—so it’s no surprise that this trend extends to finding a partner. If you’re serious about promoting yourself on the love market, the internet is one of the easiest and quickest ways to start meeting people.”

Ready to harness the power of the internet to find love online? The key to maximizing your chances of chatting up the right people is to circulate your personal ad as much as possible. There’s no rule stating that you have to be loyal to only one service, so it’s advisable to register with more than one site. “You have to get your name out there and give yourself maximum exposure,” says Ratthakarn. “The more people get to know you, the higher your odds of success.” Myspace, Multiply, Asiandate—find the sites that meet your needs and preferences and post your profile on as many as you wish.

2. Promotion

Once you’ve got a solid online presence, it’s all about building up the right hype. Everyone is dating online, so you’ve got to stand out with your profile. Choose carefully what details you reveal and make sure your personal statement and homepage express what you’re looking for. “I don’t like to hand out advice about this, as what is attractive to me is going to be different for someone else,” says Jones. “However, I will say that humor always works well and I prefer reading about what someone is genuinely like, rather than stupid time-wasting one-liners like, ‘I like going out.’ Try and be yourself but work out what kind of person you want to attract,” he adds. “Tailor your statement to them. There’s no point in trying to write a generic profile to attract a million people because it just won’t say anything about who you really are.”

3. Pricing

How much are you really worth? Of course you’re hot, funny, and smart, but compared to others, the first step to hook up might be to get off your pedestal and set your expectations a tad lower.

A popular psychological theory called the matching hypothesis shows that we are more likely to form a long-term relationship with someone of equal attractiveness. So when it comes to assessing your value and the type of person you want to have a relationship with, you must be realistic. Unless you are logging onto rent-a-bride.com, don’t have a long list of date criteria that must be filled—you’ll never find the perfect person who can tick all the boxes on your ten-page list of requirements and you just might put yourself off-limits to people you never thought you could get along with so well.

Don’t go for the first warm body that e-mails you either. It’s still important to remain picky, not undervalue yourself, and steer clear of damaged goods unworthy of yourself and of your hopes.

Pranom Thavaravej, international director of personal development institute John Robert Powers, points out that, at the end of the day, everyone can increase their “price.” Attractiveness, says Pranom, is a combination of various elements, from style to speech. But the most important is personality. “While chic outfits and pleasant tone are important, the most powerful weapon to impress people is a positive attitude,” says Pranom. “You can improve your style or lose weight but if you don’t respect and cherish yourself, who will?”

4. Product

If the online romance goes well, it’s time to meet up in person. To make a good first impression, it’s all about highlighting the good while downplaying the bad. The style, color and shape of your clothes speak volumes about who you are, so it’s vital to work out what you want your outfit to say about you. To be in trend, and at the same time still be yourself, lifestyle/fashion consultant of Gaysorn, Noppanuch Thongphakdi, recommends to make classic items (i.e. black dress, white shirt) your wardrobe staples. Then feel free to pair them up and play them off with bolder trends. “Getting dressed is supposed to be fun and creative. We shouldn’t have to limit ourselves with certain types of skirts or trousers just because we feel insecure about our body. Messing with your hair or dress all the time is a major turn-off. You should be confident and comfortable in your body; that makes you attractive.”

Noppanuch*s Tips for Styles That Flatter Your Figure

Hourglass: Think Nigella Lawson and Jennifer Lopez. No matter how much their weight fluctuates, they always have those tiny, curvy waists. Wearing something that clinches at the waist will make an hourglass-shaped gal look ultra-feminine and sexy. Keep an eye out for tulip skirts and platform shoes that help elongate legs and create a leaner silhouette.

Bottom heavy: A tunic paired with skinny jeans couldn’t be more unforgiving to your generous bottom. Show off your leaner upper body by wearing a scoop neck, sleeveless t-shirt. A low-slung belt and A-line skirt can do wonders to your hips as well.

Top heavy: Show off your skinny legs and slim hips by wearing a short dress. Wearing a loose top, maybe a size or two bigger will give the illusion that you are so thin, you’re practically drowning in them. Balance the look with shorts and ballet flats or even a mini-skirt, but only if you are under 25.

Skinny girl: Wear a potato sack with ballet flats and you can still manage to look divine. If you have few curves, avoid boxy shorts or fitted jackets. Opt for graceful, flowing styles instead.

Whether you are single, recently divorced and on the rebound, tired of cheesy one-liners at the pub or afraid of a face-to-face rejection, the internet dating scene is an inviting alternative. According to the latest government census, Bangkok now has 200,000 more men than women. Maybe this imbalance is why it’s so hard to run into your compatible mate in the offline world. However, there is a vast potential of e-daters that are just a click away. Next time you find yourself sobbing into your vodka while gently swaying about on an empty dance floor, think about signing up on a few dating sites. Romeo, or Juliet, could be just waiting for you to log on.

How to create the most inviting networking profile according to Toby Jones of wheresmydate.com.

1. Include a photo—a really good one. In a recent focus group, only 10 percent of people said they would respond to postings without a photo. But don’t use a photo from your high school yearbook (well, unless you still are in high school). Recent pics that represent what you really look like will avoid disappointments and dates disappearing mid-meal.

2. Don’t include a photo of your genitals, your cat, or your mom.

3. Do have a good opening line, especially a funny one. Everyone loves a good sense of humor. If you don’t have one, get your funny friend who always gets all the chicks to write it for you.

4. Don’t list what you don’t like in a potential date—no one likes a whiner.

5. Don’t say you are looking to get married—you’ll scare everyone off.

6. Do write something other than, “Want to know more? IM me.” It doesn’t make you look mysterious, just lazy. There are thousands of profiles out there. No one will IM you.

7. Don’t bring your baggage along and start moaning about how your ex-boyfriend dumped you for your sister—this isn’t Oprah; no one cares.

8. Do be honest—it’s only fair and people are less likely to date and run.

Fantasy

Hot Summer Fantasies

Dear Sexpert, I sometimes fantasize about other people while I’m having sex with my spouse. Am I being unfaithful? Should I confess?

Studies say that the healthier a person’s fantasy world is, the happier their sex lives. Fantasizing heightens the erotic experience of sex. As for what’s going on in your head, that’s your private playground. Fantasies aren’t real and getting turned on by them in your head does not mean you want it to actually happen.

If you are uncomfortable with your fantasies, alter and experiment until you find versions that are more acceptable but just as much of a turn on. Men tend to fantasize about sexual acts and body parts, women the bigger picture—being rescued, romanced and swept away or overpowered by a total brute because you are just too, too desirable for him to resist.

Should you spread the joy? Well, just because the weather makes us sweat, it doesn’t mean you have to share every hot secret. Especially if it might push your husband or wife past their boiling points. However, if you need to fantasize every time you want to climax with your partner, or if the dreams are recurrent and you are obsessing over them, it’s time to listen to those alarm bells ringing. Discuss your desires with your partner if you feel it will enhance your togetherness.

Three’s Company?

Dear Sexpert, My boyfriend keeps bringing up the subject of a threesome. I’m not completely against it, but I’m still a bit scared. Should I be? Do you have any tips?

For starters, what combination exactly is your boyfriend thinking of? You never know, it could be you and two men! If it’s going to be you, another woman and your boyfriend, are you bisexual—or at least a little bi-curious? Do you get aroused at the thought of doing naughty things with another woman in front of your man? Do you know why he wants to do this? Can you live with that?

Having a threesome is like hosting a party: except there are only three people, no drinks and everyone forgot their clothes. Miss Manners says wonderful things about party etiquette—for instance, be considerate, respect people, know the boundaries of what you’ll be engaging in and keep an eye on the time. You certainly don’t want to devote too much time to one person and make the others jealous. And what makes any party is who we invite.

Introducing a third person into a two-person relationship is tricky. Needless to say, it should be someone who doesn’t want to start a relationship with one of you. The best choices are someone who’s already in a relationship but wants to experiment or someone neither of you know or are likely to see again. Hot sexual chemistry is important, so make damn sure that your third party is going to be a hot lover.

The reality is that this is not something for everyone. That’s why it’s called a fantasy. When you act one out, you are crossing a threshold for better or for worse. Your relationship will never be the same, and it may change things in unexpected ways. Like one of you realizing that you prefer the third person.

We’re the Stars

Dear Sexpert, My boyfriend wants us to make some homemade porn. What are the good and bad points of it?

You’re not alone in wanting to sexually experiment this way, nor are you original either. What you do behind closed doors is your own business; the question to ask yourself is whether you’re OK with it.

Couples make homemade porn for their own enjoyment, as a special sex treat that can be re-lived afterwards, alone or together (as in both of you, not one of you with your friends). If you’ve decided to go for it, agree on how you’re going to go about it during and after. Obviously you’ll need to get the technical aspects of recording down (lighting, who’s shooting, etc.) then decide on things like what acts you’ll do, how much nudity or close-ups, what will or will not be shown, who can view the film, how long to keep it, where to keep it safe, when to erase it, and whose responsibility it is to erase it, and so on. Think it through, and if you can’t trust your wo/man, think again.

The good thing is that you are having fun and playing together. Sexual experimentation with a trusted partner can be fun and exciting. Filming it adds a dimension of sex-as-performance and self-voyeurism, and for many, is a way of capturing their “ain’t I a hot mama/daddy” positive body image. What’s bad is uncertainty, distrust, or lack of respect towards a person’s wishes. While your relationship may not last, your taped performance may, whether or not you want it to.

Tips and Techniques

Coming Out on Top: Yee-hah!

Dear Sexpert, How should I move when I’m on top of my man?

Who doesn’t like cowboys? Who doesn’t want to be a cowgirl? Once you’re on top and he’s inside, you’ve taken the reins and are in control: You know what pace, movement, depth and angle will please you. You can move up and down, forward and back…see what works! Find that G-spot. And of course, pay attention to him and don’t break the magic wand. Men generally get off on the stroking movement, and women on the circular, so the stroke-and-twirl combo is good to try.

As for positioning, do the whole 360 degrees if you wish. Start off straddling him—gently ease down and use your hand to guide him in with your knees on either side. Then move up into a squat, so your weight is on your feet. This is good for vertical movement, or rocking—just like on a hobbyhorse! Or lean forward and pin his arms down so he’s helpless, and can only watch. Try both of you sitting up. Or you can lean back and put your hands on his legs, arch your back and give him a view to remember.

And it’s not just straddling when you’re on top. There’s always sidesaddle, or close your legs and the sensation will be completely different. You can do this front-to-front (very intimate) or back-to-front where his hands can play all over you. People who have a ceiling-installed flatscreen TV appreciate this one. Use him for leverage, use the bed. A lot of woman-on-top positions also work well with one or more feet on the floor.

The Bottom Line

Dear Sexpert, Is anal sex normal? Can the woman orgasm from this?

Going in the back way is not the same as entering through the front—anuses are exits, not entrances, and this can be a painful experience (physically and psychologically) if not done with care. However, it’s been pointed out that if women gave up on vaginal intercourse because it was initially uncomfortable, there would not be very many couples having vaginal intercourse either, and we wouldn’t be here discussing the pros and cons of anal intercourse.

In theory, it can be pleasurable, as there are lots of nerve-endings back there, and the anus is an erogenous zone. If you’re going to try, start slowly over a period of time—begin exploring during regular or oral sex. Lots of people enjoy massages there once they are comfortable and relaxed. For most, just playing lightly in and around the area is enough.

If you’re going there, you have to use lube—too much lubrication is not enough. Always use condoms or latex protection over anything you might insert, and don’t go from the back door to the front without cleaning up first, whether it’s your hands, mouth, toys or penis.

Waan Yen Aroy Dee

Dear Sexpert, My boyfriend keeps asking me for blow jobs. I don’t really know how to do it. Can you help?

Oral sex on a man, or a “blowjob” (a.k.a. “giving head”—or, in more polite circles, “fellatio”), can be foreplay or it can be a full-blown sexual act in itself. Simply put, it is taking a man’s penis into your mouth and kissing, licking…you get the idea.

One thing my gay and bisexual friends are unanimous on: for expert How To advice, girls should consult with gay guys. Much of the info here comes from the lips of men who have both given and received blowjobs.

 Lose your inhibitions. Read your partner’s body language, don’t be tentative, and enjoy how nice it feels to have him by the balls.

Here’s a bit of anatomy 101. The head is the most sensitive part of the penis, and the shaft is what takes center stage when things get into high gear. While testicles are a variable affair, that space behind them is like ground zero. Think waan yen aroy dee!

Once you are in his crotch, get your face down there, and drool! Plenty of spittle, lots of slurping noises, vigorous use of the tongue in circulatory motion or until an unrestrained moan leaks out. And no teeth. Cover your teeth with your lips, especially when sliding up and down his pride and joy.

To avoid lockjaw, don’t concentrate solely on his member. For example, massaging the area between the scrotum and the anus will drive your man wild. This is also good for “edging,” when you bring him to the verge of coming and then slow down so he doesn’t—and then back again.

Finishing is generally messy if he comes, so luxuriate in it. That said, swallowing means no clean up involved and he will feel like an extremely fortunate man. Done right, you’ll both be experiencing a sense of complete abandonment and rapture–which is what sex is all about.

Taking it Off

Dear Sexpert, My boyfriend wants me to do a striptease for him and I am terrified of embarrassing myself. Please help!

Anyone can strip, and if you’re doing it your way, it’ll be a treat for your boyfriend. You’re performing, so chose your music well—the beat is more important than the words, as that’s what you’ll be moving to. The usual accessories are the outside outfit (business or schoolgirl for example) and more importantly, what you have on beneath that—stilettos, stockings and garter belt, and his favorite lingerie are the usual—feel free to improvise. Long necklaces and gloves also work well.

Do a dry run and practice on your own. When it’s time for the real show, drinks will help the mood. Have him sitting at attention on a chair (and not lounging on the sofa) so that you’re the star, and he’s just a bit uncomfortable.

Start by removing the small things such as hat and gloves and let your hair down—but leave other things like your panties, necklace and heels until last. Always do it sloooowly, and toss the clothes you take off at him. You should be dancing not too far away, but not close enough to be touched, until the end. “Stir the pot” by using your hips, do the “queen’s wave” with your hands on knees, arching your back and swinging your booty, and “boobs on Bob” gets you very close to your man while playing with your top assets.

At the very end, there’s the “g-string fling” when you’re on the floor with your panties off and hooked on your heel: Fling them at him!

Keep eye contact the whole time—very, very erotic. You want to see how he’s reacting to everything and getting more and more excited. It’s a power trip. Be expressive with your face—wink, tongue and showcase parts of your body. You should know which he likes.

How You Can Help

Dear Sexpert, What position can fill a gal’s needs? Is there any way to help a lady climax?

I praise you to the skies for thinking of the lady’s pleasure. To find out what position(s) can fill a gal’s needs, the best thing to do is to ask and experiment with the gal herself—learn to communicate. And yes, she’ll tell you.

You’ll find there’s way more than one position. Women can orgasm from direct stimulation of the clitoris, such as when you touch her in the right way, or use your tongue—your penis doesn’t even need to be involved, but it sure can be. Ask her to show you what feels good—if she doesn’t know, it’s time she explored herself so she can show you the way to fill her needs.

During intercourse, it’s the indirect stimulation of the clitoris by the root of your penis and your pubic bone that can bring a woman to climax. Find the right angle and position, or lie back and ask her to move on you. “Woman on top” positions are great at bringing a gal to climax because she gets to move and control penetration and pace as she likes it. For G-spot stimulation, “doggy,” or you behind her, is good because it puts your penis in contact with the part of her vaginal wall (a few centimeters in, towards the front of her belly) where that pleasure zone is.

Remember that it takes longer for a woman to get aroused and to orgasm than it does a man. Foreplay is always great; add to that patience and perceptiveness—read her body, know her mind: Nothing will make a woman climax if she doesn’t allow herself to.

Sex-ucation

Shock and Awe

Any tips for a first-timer? What can I expect? Will I be shocked?

You probably won’t see stars, and the first time you do it won’t be the best sex of your life, either. No physical seizures or other symptoms of medical shock should occur, though later on, when having great sex, you might feel minor electrical charges running through you—very pleasant and tingly. There may be a bit of blood and discomfort the first time you have sex, but that’s not always the case. None of this is shocking.

If you’ve never seen a man’s penis, this may be the shock you are in for. A grown man’s joo looks very different from when he was a little boy, and when he’s excited to meet you, it looks substantially different from when he’s just hangin’ out. It may initially shock you the way a Salvador Dali painting does; as if you were to see a nose coming out of a hairy armpit. You’ll be surprised by how fast you get used to this. Check out nude photos, so you know what to expect on a much smaller and friendlier scale. The first sighting’s a bit unexpected, but you’ll grow to love and anticipate joo’s company when the time is right.

Sizing It Up

Dear Sexpert, Some people say, “size doesn’t matter, it’s just how you use it,” but what if it’s a bit smaller than standard?

Those people would be right. No two men are the same, so why are penises expected to be identical? Yes, of course, there’s a “standard” in this measurement obsessed world, and if you tell me that you are less than the average (around six inches seems to be the general consensus), so what? Size is as important as you think it is—make that the two of you, if you are in a relationship.

Size isn’t just length, it’s also about width. The length of an erect penis can range from four to nine inches, while penis widths can vary from just over one inch to more than two inches. Width is important because that’s where the physical contact and sensation comes from, and don’t forget—a woman’s G-spot and sensitive areas are closer to her opening. A shorter soldier can be more effective than a tall one.

Most women think that men are too obsessed by penis-size, and they’re probably right. It’s best to get over it, especially those of you who think your larger-than-average size sets you apart, and get on with good sex. Size is not important to how good your sex life can be.

Woman to Woman

You women out there, listen here. If you are sexually active, are going to be sexually active, or once were sexually active, even just to make babies, I’m talking to you!

Awareness

Realize what sex is about. Even if you think it’s a means to an end—to have babies, to be a good wife, to get a Benz from your lover—face the fact that the act is also an end in itself. So give sex and your sexuality the respect it deserves! If you’re going to do it, take the time to learn about yourself. Make time to take care of yourself: See the gynecologist once a year to check that all is well and you are healthy inside as well as out.

Protection

Disease. Unwanted pregnancies. Rape. Statistics already tell you that these are very real problems; if none of the above has affected you or a friend yet, chances are high that they will. These things can happen to anyone, and they do. Always use protection. Learn how to stay away from situations (like those involving alcohol and drug abuse) that could result in harm to you. These things happen—don’t be there when they do.

Communication

Talking to your man can be a hard one, but it’s gotta be done. You know him best—be straight, be subtle, be whatever it takes to make him understand your feelings and needs, in your sex life as well as your relationship as a whole. Be diplomatic, but be strong. The fulfillment that mutual understanding will bring to your time together is worth the effort.

Change the future

Educate yourself about how your body works, what sexuality is, and how it affects you as an individual and as part of a society. And educate your kids. Open your eyes, look around you and make an effort to help create a healthy future for the next generation of young guys and gals. Aren’t you a little tired of the sexual double standard in this country? What are you going to do about it?

It makes sense. If you’re going to have something in your mouth for a while, it might as well taste good. Though flavored condoms generally get a bad rap for tasting nothing like what they’re supposed to, we thought it was about time to suck it up and see for ourselves.

Since this is Bangkok, we were expecting to find more exotic flavors out on the market—mango, durian, maybe even green tea! What we found was pretty basic—fruit and chocolate. Why stop at just fruit and candy? What about savory meat flavors like chicken, beef or pork—or vegetarian choices like carrot or eggplant?

And people like coffee too, so maybe Starbucks should come out with their own trio pack of condoms: mocha, latte and caramel macchiato. Now that it’s nearly rainy season, maybe condoms could be enriched with vitamin C to help prevent colds! The possibilities are endless…

Duo Strawberry: (B40, pack of three) This strawberry condom smelled very berry indeed, with some on our panel of experts likening it to the smell of Strawberry Quik. Unfortunately it lacked in the flavor department, with no apparent taste whatsoever. On the bright side, we appreciated its thin, glossy exterior and found its attractive pink color “sexy.”

Faire Strawberry: (B37, pack of three) This condom didn’t contain nearly enough fruit essence to mask the latex rubber smell. It didn’t taste much better, either, and several on our panel commented on its mostly plastic, rubbery taste. Its appearance was noted as being matte and powdery with a pink, fleshy color that was considered cute.

Durex Strawberry: (B47, pack of three) One of the most delicious smelling condoms we tasted, with favorable comparisons to "raspberries" and "bubble gum." However, the taste was non-existent. Appearance wise, this was the most scary looking condom thanks to its agressively red, “very Scarlet Letter” color.

Durex Chocolate: (B45, pack of three) Its cheap fake chocolate smell was reminiscent of Koko Krispies or coffee candy. It was by far the sweetest of those we sampled, and half hated the fake chocolate flavor and half liked it. Like the Durex Strawberry, this had a thick, sticky texture. Most were a little turned off by its muddy brown color. One tester even commented that it “looks like it’s been used.”

Faire Blueberry: (B30, pack of three) Be careful with this one 'cause the package is misleading. It is actually just one blueberry-flavored condom that’s been packaged and stuck in front of a separate pack of two unflavored Skinlight condoms. Tricky dicks. The special condom has a pleasant cherry, raspberry smell, but like so many we tried, barely any taste. Nice vivid color and sexy appearance, though.

Durex Select - Banana: (B53, pack of three) This rubber came in one of three flavors found in Durex’s Select condoms–Banana, Strawberry and Orange (see below). Most reacted favorably to the smell, likening it to banana candy or Banana Pocky. In terms of flavor, it got mixed reviews. Some said it had none while an equal number of our panel said it tasted like banana. Easy to see in a dark room thanks to the bright yellow color.

Durex Select - Orange: (B53, pack of three) Our favorite of the bunch: It had a pleasant fruity smell not unlike Tang and Orange Tic Tacs. Taste-wise this one also came out on top, with our testers commenting that it tasted like nice candy with a bit of sweet and sourness to it. Its thin, smooth texture and elasticity got a thumbs-up from our panel, as did its appealing orange color.

The ex-senator whose well-known slogan is “One Husband, One Wife” has regularly appeared in local newspapers, criticizing songs like “Khon Leaw Tii Rak Teur”, music videos like “Doom Doom” and pocket books like Ying: Sex. Her straightforward, conservative critiques again and again become the talk of the town. She never ceases promoting monogamy and campaigning against pre-marital sex and sex in the media, even though she gets a lot of negative feedback. Apart from making public appearances, she also is Chairman of the Happy Family Association and president of HIV Patient Help Centers, which have 851 branches in 74 provinces.

The fact that the rate of HIV infection in teenagers is a lot more than in the other age groups concerns me. Youngsters these days have sex earlier than in our generation. And many of them don’t use condoms.

I’m worried about these kids. If they are all infected with HIV or addicted to drugs, the country will lack quality people. That’s why I campaign for women to preserve their virginity and for people to have a social conscience, especially those in the media.

The media is very influential to the young ones. They consume news and entertainment all day long, in and out of the home. A picture we see lives on our mind, lasting longer than what we hear, smell or taste. Research shows that 87% of what we perceive influences changes in us.

We are making wrong things normal. Violence, rape, murder and nudity are seen in newspapers and on TV every day. Some teenagers like to say it’s fine to dress sexy because actresses on TV do so. In newspapers or magazines, they answer sex questions boldly.

We are becoming a society addicted to sex. Fathers have sex with daughters, grandpas with granddaughters, teachers with students and everything ends up on the front page.

That famous singer can’t say the DNA test proves that he’s not the father. The fact that he had sex with such a young girl shows he has no morals or virtue.

I’m going to write a letter of congratulations to James Ruengsak. He appropriately said that he has a girlfriend but he will set an example for teenagers by not hugging or kissing in public. He said an actor or singer could be counted as a teacher. Kids see them, remember what they do and imitate.

Look at Laos singer, Alexandra Boonchuay—she’s very lovely, always wearing traditional dress. Do we have such a nice example in Thailand? Laos’ calendars are praiseworthy. No nudity in them.

In Thailand, just to sell alcohol, they spend millions to hire a model, as if the quality of their product can’t sell itself.

Sometimes, some families encourage their sons in the wrong way. If you are a man, you can’t touch a broom. Housework is women’s work. When that son grows up, they bring him to a whorehouse. Why train your child like that?

Some people say I work on monogamy because my husband has a mia noi, or I have a mental problem. There’re a lot of people who don’t like me. But I don’t care; I know what I’m doing.

Even when being threatened, I don’t feel afraid. We live once and we die once. I had some threatening letters, saying rude words, asking to have sex with me. Karma will return to them. I don’t have to do anything. One day they will regret it.

I never mean bad things to anybody. I just try to contribute to society.

I want to see women prove themselves with their brains, not their flesh.

I never blame women. Whether they are mia luang or mia noi, once they belong to a man, they will love him with all their heart.

What made you decide to be a sex doctor?
I’m not a sex doctor. I am just interested in the topic of sexuality. I am a gynecologist working with women who have difficulty conceiving.

What ‘special’ training do you have to undergo to become one?
I do my own research, attend courses, and talk to psychologists, to parents.

How do you get your patients to relax when discussing something so private?
Singaporeans are still very shy. You have to probe and prompt them. The younger generation is more open though.

Do you think Singaporean couples are having enough sex?
My answer is no. It is a problem in any urbanized society. Both parties work, they are too tired when they get home. The only time they get is during the weekends. And if they have children, they take up all their time.

What are the main sexual hang-ups facing Singaporean couples today?
There are two groups. The first are couples trying to conceive. Sex is like a task to them, like two robots making love. The second group is of women nearing menopause. When the women keep saying “not tonight”, their husbands become frustrated. This is where all these China girls come in and marital life suffers.

Which of the sexes is more bashful about voicing their sexual preferences?
It’s different for both. Men want physical sex while women need emotional connection and communication. Men have only one button while women have many buttons, push the wrong one and it is a landmine. Women need the touching, kissing and hugging to enjoy sex.

Do aphrodisiacs and romantic mood lightings really make a difference?
It’s all about workings of the mind. The brain is the sexiest organ. Aphrodisiacs all work the senses. Which is why they use aromatherapy, visuals and music—it’s all about the mind.

What is the most rewarding part of your job?
When couple’s relationship improves and they have children; when you deliver their baby. They become friends. You are not dealing with old age or cancer, but with life.

Would you consider yourself as an expert at sex?
I don’t want to boast. I’m interested in the topic, I am serious about it. The physical side is only part of it. It is sexuality, not just sex.

How do men and women respond when you tell them what your job is?
This guy actually told me that ‘my playfield’ is everybody’s dream. To me it is just very practical. Some doctors examine your ears or nose. It’s just different holes.

Bangkok can be a bitch. Nerve-straining situations abound in our everyday lives, and we sometimes can’t help but wish we could go ballistic. Wouldn’t it be gratifying to jump on that dickhead who’s pissing you off? Wouldn’t it be nice to nuke that mob telling you to “Awk Pai!”? But au contraire, mon frere, that’s not what civilized people do. Instead we must learn to play the game of life. Here our expert panel offers some suggestions for dealing with various stressful situations.

Road Rage

You’re signaling to cross into the other lane, but a car next to you keeps speeding up to cut you off. You honk your horn, he gives you the finger before slowing down suddenly, causing you to hit his rear bumper and smash his taillights.

The Bouncer: “Getting into a fight should always be a last resort. I would talk to the other person calmly with a gentle tone, especially to figure out how mad and unreasonable the person really is. If things get out of hand, leave it to the police. In this kind of situation, I would talk to the person rather than trying to blame anyone. You’ve got to be as cool as possible. Who knows? You might walk away with a new friend at the end of the day.”

The Cop: “It’s hard to keep calm in these situations, but as a police officer I would first ask whether they have insurance or not. If so, we all are Thai, we shouldn’t get angry over such a thing. Let the insurance companies deal with it. If not, the truth will win out. When you’re wrong, admit you are wrong. Getting mad won’t solve the problem. Whatever happened before the accident, the best thing is to just immediately forget it. Having a fight or yelling in the middle of the street is just going to cause more problems and plus it’s dangerous to you and others.”

The Lawyer: “The law says anyone who hits someone else is the guilty party, but I can’t accept that because cutting another car off is wrong. I would talk to the guy reasonably, not emotionally. There is no point in being rude or yelling at each other. I’d tell him his driving is hazardous to everyone on the road and maybe he would listen to me.”

Free-Loading Best Friend

Your best mate from university is in town and wants to sleep on your couch for three weeks and party like its 1999… again.

The Cop: “Well, a best mate is always a best mate, but you have to tell him that times change, and since I have a family now and work to be responsible for, I’m not able to live like the old days anymore. Of course our friendship will always be there, but there comes a time when family and work have to come before friends. If he/she is really a best mate, he/she will get it right away.”

The Hotelier: “I love my friends and I would let them use my house as if it were their own home. I would join the party sometimes, but not the whole time. I’m sure if you had a good friend, he or she would know when to leave you alone.”

The Monk: “Talk to your friend reasonably. Partying and having fun should be done but only in appropriate ways. Buddhism teaches us to live balanced lives. Anything that is too much on either side can cause trouble.”

Crazy Partner

You tell your boyfriend/girlfriend you need a cooling off period from the relationship but he/she doesn’t take it well and instead hangs a note written in blood on your door saying, “We should be closer, not further apart…”

The Bouncer: “I would try to understand where exactly the relationship stands. If things are about to go further and the time apart is for everyone’s benefit, I would explain that to her. I would emphasize the future rather than the present. Sometimes we have to reduce one thing in order to gain something else. For my own safety, I would use ‘we’ rather than ‘I,’ therefore making her feel that I care about the both of us, not just myself. Remember, our future is a ‘we’ thing.”

The Shrink: “Anyone talking about a cooling off period must think it’s the beginning of the end. First, you have to consider how much you love your boyfriend/girlfriend. If you still love him/her a lot, you should make a deal with him/her. For example, you can talk on the phone daily, but don’t have to meet everyday. The best way is to try to change your routine bit by bit.”

The Hotelier: “Re-think the situation! Don’t get scared by the bloody letter. It might just be fake blood. Plus this person might be your soulmate. Or, you could file a police report.”

Pushy Parents

As usual, your father is offering unsolicited advice to drop your filmmaking career in favor of becoming a lawyer. This time he is threatening to cut you out of his will (and family fortune).

The Hotelier: “Personally, I would change for my father’s sake. Who knows—being a lawyer might be your thing and you might even like it more. Don’t fight but try and show them how you can cope with it. I believe that no parents want to see their kids unhappy. If the job isn’t really for you, they’ll know and won’t stop you from changing back. Give it some time and try.”

The Shrink: “Invite your father to visit your movie set. Whether he goes or not, talk with your dad calmly. Thank him and say that you understand his goodwill. Try to avoid mentioning a career in law negatively and let him know that making movies is what you love and want to do. Ask your dad for a chance to prove that you can be successful in your career and make him proud.”

The Yoga Instructor: “This is similar to what happened in my real life. I explained to my dad that I understood his wish, but I loved what I was doing. I asked him to believe in me and he accepted it.”

The Clueless Boss

A hot new job opens up in the company and even though you’re perfect for it, you’re overlooked for the position in favor of the smarmy new guy.

The Lawyer: “I recommend comparing and analyzing qualifications between yourself and that smarmy new guy seriously and reasonably. If he is better than you in even one thing, you should accept it. Generally, a boss makes decisions based on what is good for a company, not based on his personal feelings. However, if you really think that he has something against you, you should consider leaving.”

The Monk: Tum jai or let it go. As a subordinate, you have no power to make changes. Don’t take any position seriously. It is just something to make a living. We don’t really need luxuries, but can survive with simple ways, houses and clothes. Don’t push yourself too hard. Adequacy and self-reliance are enough.”

The Yoga Instructor: “Every position is important, whether you are a maid or an executive. We should be happy doing what we are doing, and there is no need to confront your boss. You can’t make other people think like you.”

Vindictive Co-workers

A presentation to a major client tanked and now the team leader is pointing fingers saying your stats and info caused the failure.

The Monk: “Nobody wants to admit a mistake. That’s why your team leader tries to point the finger at someone else. It’s a team effort. Everyone had a part in the failure. Don’t make an argument, just mention the team effort.”

The Shrink: “Evaluate your stats and info again to find your mistake. If your stats are weak, you must admit your fault, but if you believe there is no mistake, talk to your team leader. Tell him you already tried your best then ask him for advice on what can improve your report.”

The Yoga Instructor: “Apologize to your team leader and tell her you did your best. Make it clear that whatever you did was a team effort. In the end, let your leader make the decision to give you a new chance or let you go.”

Noisy Neighbors

Every night the neighbors crank up the volume on their terrible karaoke, which lasts until midnight. Your anonymous letters for peace and quiet are not working.

The Cop: “Tell them exactly what you feel and how you suffer from their karaoke face to face in a polite way. Tell them that you need to rest after a long, hard day at work. If it still happens consistently, you can file a report at your local police station. Let the police come to stop them. In the worst case scenario, you might need to file a petition for arrest for nighttime noise disturbance.”

The Hotelier: “I would buy a bigger, more expensive, better quality stereo and give it to my neighbor since they’re going to sing every day anyway, and I’d rather hear the better sound quality. If you can’t fix the problem, live with it.”

The Shrink: “Make friends with this neighbor by saying hi or giving him some gift because you have to be around each other for a long time. Whenever you have a chance, tell him that you have to work on your assignment at home every night and you are so stressed and need to concentrate on your work. Don’t mention the noise. Hopefully they’ll be able to figure it out themselves.”

Stubborn Chauffeur

You’re going to an important meeting and time is running out. You jump in a taxi and tell the driver to go one way that you’re certain will be faster, but the driver ignores you, instead taking his own way, which makes the trip longer.

The Bouncer: “Personally, I’ve had this kind of problem before but I do respect the driver since it’s their specialty. Their job is to know which way is the best for both parties, and saves time, money and fuel. I normally try to make it sound more like a conversation than advice. I don’t think anyone likes to be advised on what they think they know best. I would make conversation like, ‘Which way do you normally take? Is it going to be congested at this time?’ Then I would say something like, ‘Sometimes I take that way, but do you think there’s a better way to go?’ Make sure that you make it sound like you’re asking for their help, not commanding them to do something.”

The Lawyer: “Tell him nicely right away that you want to get out. Driving a taxi is a service. When you pay for service, you are supposed to get what you want.”

Political Stress

You’re so frustrated and stressed out when you read the political news and chaos that is happening everywhere. You realize this issue is not something you can talk with your pals about, but it’s so bad you are about to burst.

The Bouncer: “I’m personally Buddhist, so I do everything as to not be too tight or too loose. We need to live our lives in moderation. When I have this political stress, I release it in other ways like working out or playing sports instead of causing harm to someone else.”

The Cop: “It’s always the same in the political game. You see politicians dragging out some issue from a long time ago, or a skeleton from someone else’s past, but at the end of the day they are all nice to each other’s faces. I’m not fed up, but its annoying. I’ve just seen way too much of it.”

The Shrink: “Avoid any media relating to political issues for a while. Relax and realize you don’t posses this country. Consider what you can do as a Thai citizen and never disturb other people. Evaluate yourself in terms of what you have done for this country so far.”

Our Panel of Experts

1. The Bouncer: Wittaya Singlompon, 35, is a bouncer at Q Bar. He regularly has to deal with stupid drunks speaking foreign languages.

2. The Cop: Prasong Nawin, 50, is a traffic cop who’s been in the brown uniform for decades. His primary job apart from keeping the traffic flowing is to make sure that people don’t cause disturbances by losing their temper behind the wheel.

3. The Hotelier: Jirarat Bhandhukravi, 29, has worked as a hotel operator for three years and has spent the past two years at the front desk of the Royal Orchid Sheraton.

4. The Lawyer: Ekkapol Apinun, 36, is a senior legal manager at Yum Restaurant International.

5. The Monk: Phra Khru Banpot Dhamma Rangsi is an abbot at Wat Pa Namthip.

6. THE SHRINK: Worada Wasunnuntasiri, 26, is a psychologist at the Department of Corrections in the Ministry of Justice.

7. The Yoga Instructor: Boonrada Nokyophin, 40-something, has been practicing yoga for more than 20 years.

Why did you decide to use vintage Volkswagens for wedding cars?
I love these cars, and I want to give others a chance to experience and enjoy them, especially on their special day. I really want to offer something different from the usual and boring Mercs, Jags, Beemers, MPVs and SUVs that so many are inclined to use due to lack of creativity, or fear of being different.

How long have you been running this business?
My first rental was in 1999. It was Awesome Blossom (a Light Grey 1967 Beetle), at a friend’s request. The wedding guests seemed to love the idea, and since then business has been growing by word of mouth, and the idea has taken on a life of its own.

How many Volkswagens do you have?
In 2002, I added a second VW, named Rollin’ Raggae (an Aqua Blue 1966 Beetle) to my collection and a Black 1971 Morris Minor called Slow Moe in 2004. Go to www.blackbeansource.com for pictures!

And they are all vintage Volkswagens?
Currently, I have two vintage VWs and a Morris Minor available for rent, and plan to expand my fleet to five or more within the next three years.

Which is your favorite model?
Slow Moe. He’s just black and classy, while Blossom and Raggae are more fun and retro.

How much did it cost you to amass them? 
Not too much, but a lot of time is taken to keep them in good running order and looking presentable. It’s a labor of love.

Have you ever had problems fitting the bride and her father into the car?  
Getting in is usually not the problem, but getting out and trying to look glamorous at the same time takes a bit of innovation. I usually have the front passenger seat removed on the two-door Beetles for easier access.

Do you just drive the cars or is any other service provided?
The cars may be rented self-drive, or for photo shoots and film.

How do the guests at the wedding normally react to the cars?
“Wah! What’s the car plate number, hor? Tonight can strike 4-D!” But seriously, the older folks get a real kick out of the nostalgia, while the younger generation is simply surprised that the cars actually move.

Any bridesmaids hit on you because of the cars? 
No, but I’ve encountered a bride’s mother who seemed interested in more than just my car. Yuck.

Have there ever been any “unscheduled activities” on the back seats of your cars?
I try to keep my eyes on the road when I’m driving. But as long as they don’t stain the seats…

Between campaigns promoting romance and wedded bliss, and nagging parents wondering why you still haven’t found someone nice at your age, is it any wonder that singlehood is seen as nothing more than the undesirable alternative to settling down?

What the government and relatives itching for another wedding don’t seem to realize is that meeting Mister or Miss Right isn’t all that easy. There are work and family commitments to deal with, one’s identity to maintain, and the minefield of trying to meet someone “normal” that we want to be with for the rest of our lives.

Over many hot coffees, we spoke candidly with eight singles about the scene, life solo, and even settling down—to get a clearer picture of what it’s really like to be unattached and “fair game.” Names have, of course, been changed.

› The Scene

To Be Scene

The discussions kick off with the most obvious of queries: With so much weight behind the joys of being in a relationship, is there anywhere here singles can go to meet their potential soulmates?

In a city that hosts a variety of internationally renowned clubs and bars, the answer to that question seems straightforward. However, Rebecca, a 24-year-old expatriate administrative assistant, feels that it isn’t a question of whether there is a scene so much as if there’s any real quality to it. “I don’t want to go somewhere thinking ‘Everyone here’s single and looking to pick up’,” she says. “I just want to meet cool people. I don’t like the pressure of going out for Ladies’ Night or something like that.”

Rebecca’s sentiments seem to be echoed not just by the expat crowd, but by locals as well. Meeting someone through the nightlife scene isn’t that hard … if you’re not expecting anything of any real substance. Clubs and pubs are filled with people looking to hook up—the ACPG Sex Survey revealed that they are the preferred place for finding potential partners (with 65 percent of the vote). But that seems to be the extent of it. No one really goes to clubs hoping to meet someone they can have a long term relationship with.

As Frank, a 34-year-old freelance copywriter, puts it, “If you’re looking for a fling, they’re readily available. It depends on what you’re looking for. A no-frill kind of thing? Sure, you can find it. But something really concrete in this scene? Not very likely.”

“There’s not much sincerity in most of the people you meet at a lot of clubs here,” agrees Eileen, a 26-year-old personal assistant. “You’re very rarely going to meet anyone that you’d even want to be friends with, let alone date.”

It seems that everyone understands that the nightlife scene is purely for superficial relationships. No one’s fooling themselves into thinking that theme nights like Ladies’ Night are anything beyond what they seem: A chance for women to get free drinks and with the potential for guys to score. “The ‘branding’ of these nights say it loud and clear,” says Tom, a 26-year-old customer service officer. “If you’re there, it shows that you accept and are aware of stuff that may happen during that time.”

“I’ve actually been to one Ladies’ Night before, and it was very sleazy,” adds Natalie, a 23-year-old expatriate administrative assistant. “There were actually more men there than there were women.”

The Grass Is Always Greener …

So, what is it that the scene here lacks?

Tom thinks it’s fine as it is. He believes it’s the patrons of the scene who could use a bit of a change. “I don’t think that it’s any particular place that the local scene is lacking, but rather friendlier people. Some of the girls I’ve met walk around with this damn high and mighty attitude.”

Variety seems to be key for others. The nightlife scene works if you’re not looking for anything serious, but if you’re going for something with a little more substance, throbbing R&B or slurred pick-up lines aren’t going to cut it. “More coffee houses with live music would be nice,” says Amelie, a 29-year-old reports coordinator. “Some place where you can have actual intelligent conversations, as opposed to having to shout at the top of your lungs just to get someone’s attention.”

Comparisons to the scene elsewhere in the world naturally come up. Rebecca narrows it down further to local singles’ attitudes. “I find the whole clubbing scene a little bit pretentious here,” she says. “I mean, compared to Australia, where I live—it’s more like you go to the pub, have a few drinks and everyone gets drunk and they don’t really care what people think of them and you’re loud and … whatever! But here—maybe it’s the kind of clubs I’ve been to, like Velvet, Zouk or Attica—it all seems like you absolutely have to be beautiful.”

› Life Solo

The Juicy Bits

According to Durex Global Sex Survey 2005, Singaporeans have been doing the horizontal mambo even less than before. Couples tend to attribute this to busier work schedules or the flames of the relationship dying, but singles have their own set of reasons.

A relationship seems to be more important than just “doing it.” Sure, sex may still be a priority to some, like Frank, who says that he’s always looking to score, but “finding the one is just an added bonus for me.”

However, he seems to be in the minority. Some singles may indulge in a one-night stand here and there, but it seems that most of them are more concerned with just finding someone nice. “I think we’re all kind of looking for the ‘one,’ but when you pick up someone from a club, you doubt that she’s it,” says Miguel, a 25-year-old car salesman.

“I’m a woman of substance,” adds Stephanie, a 31-year-old makeup artist. “Only the morally challenged tarts go for one-night stands. I mean, it’s so shallow. And at the end of the day, what’s the point to it? I honestly think that the sex with someone that you’ve known for more than just a couple of hours is probably a hell of a lot better anyway. And more than anything else, I don’t want the sheer nastiness of unearthing ‘cauliflowers and cheese’ during The Age of Disease.”

On or Off

Stephanie’s concerns about contracting an STD certainly don’t seem unfounded. ACPG’s Sex Survey results revealed 11 percent of the local respondents had contracted an STD. While Durex’s Global Sex Survey 2005 revealed almost half (47 percent) of all adults globally have had unprotected sex without knowing their partner’s sexual history (in Singapore the rate is 41 percent). Whether it’s a one-nighter or with someone you’ve been out with a couple of times, a lot of singles here don’t seem keen on strapping on their “crash helmets.”

“I just can’t function with rubber,” says Frank with a laugh. “It’s like, you strap it on and it’s suffocating. I know it’s not the most politically correct answer, but I’ve got to be honest—I just can’t.” Miguel says “I would say that it’s a big ‘yes’ on using protection, unless you’ve already done it with that person on a few occasions.”

Eileen, however, is firm on her stance: If it doesn’t go on, then there’s no way anything’s going to happen. “I know a lot of women would close one eye based on what the guy looks like,” says Eileen. “Like, if you seem the ‘good boy’ type, then they’ll assume you’re clean. But for me, personally, if it’s someone casual, then please, please, please put one on because I have no idea who you’ve been with!” She adds: “The only time I’ll ever go without rubber is when I’m in a steady monogamous relationship. And even then, I’ll still take precautions against getting pregnant.”

Methods Behind The Madness

If there was a topic that really divides the crowd, it’s the actual act of picking someone up. Everyone has their own super secret method of seduction, but the most popular (though not necessarily effective) seems to be Frank’s. “How you doin’?” he says in his most suave tone with a cheeky wink. Everyone bursts out laughing and the secrets start spilling.

“Nothing turns guys off more than pretty girls who can’t hold their own during conversations about politics and the economy. So know your IPOs from your VPLs!” swears Stephanie. Not so, says Eileen. “Are you kidding? There’s no way you need to go that far,” she says. “For most of the guys in Singapore, if a chick was to go up to them and she was just reasonably decent looking, they would just take it. You don’t need to do anything extra, no real methods you need to learn. Just say ‘Hi’ and smile at them and they’re on you like rabid wolves.”

Back on the testosterone team, Tom elaborates on his moves. “My favorite’s staring blankly into her eyes for, like, two seconds … then looking away,” he explains with a look of intense concentration. “Do this every once in a while, then smile to yourself as you look away. Not so much of an ‘I wonder what she’ll look like without that shirt on’ kind of smile, but more of a ‘Darn! She saw me looking’ bashful sort of smile,” he ends with a cocky wink.

The Race Card

The laughs die down a little as we move into the delicate topic of race. If there still is a social stigma on interracial dating, it’s hard to tell. As Frank jokingly puts it, “Race? Hell, man, if you’ve got a pulse, I’m there!”

“Beauty, for me, isn’t categorized by skin color,” agrees Tom, slightly more seriously. Stephanie does specify that she prefers local Chinese men, but adds that it doesn’t play as big a factor as their ability to just communicate well. “I’m definitely all for musically knowledgeable guys with that tinge of mission schooled smugness and who speak great English,” she says.

Most people are open to anyone as long as they’re a decent enough person, it seems. When probed further, however, Miguel does specify a strict preference, though it isn’t a matter of skin tone. “In the long run, I’m more concerned about religion,” he says firmly. “Call me a traditionalist, but I’m not going to convert for anyone. It’s just the way I was brought up.”

Dating Games

So, you’ve met someone. Then comes the first date. Everyone has their own ideals of what that dream outing’s like, but the surprise is that it really is quite simple.

“As long as there’s chemistry, that first date’s all good,” says Miguel. “Dinner gives a good opportunity for the potential couple to get to know each other through conversation,” says Stephanie. “Movies are ideal for testing the physical chemistry, because the dim lighting and conducive proximity can really help to speed up the combustion, should there be one.” On a sleazier note, Tom informs the crowd (without the slightest hint of care) that his ideal get-together is “to mate on the first date.”

Yet, as simple as dating sounds, it’s amazing how much can go wrong. Everyone’s got their fair share of dating horror stories.

Amelie relates about getting her ears filled with saliva, and Stephanie talks about having her date actually calculate to the very last cent how much she owed him for dinner, but what takes the cake is Frank’s tale of awkwardness. “My brother set me up with this girl, who was 16 at the time. I was about 18, maybe 20,” he relates. “Now, I very seldom wear a t-shirt and a shirt over it, but I had this checkered shirt, and I wore that to meet her at Centrepoint. She was wearing the exact same thing. We sat down and got to talking and, lo and behold, my camp friend pops out of nowhere. And I’m sitting there talking to her and this guy says, ‘Who’s that? Your sister?’ The date was pretty much over by then,” he ends with a groan.

Ups and Downs

“Freedom!” everyone yells out, almost simultaneously before we can even finish the question. If there was one thing that the eight really enjoyed about being single, the complete lack of commitment to anyone else seemed to be it.

“It’s just nice not having to answer for anything,” says Natalie. “Your time is your own.” Rebecca agrees. “I think when you’re single is when you take a lot of effort to do different things. When you’re a couple, you sort of get into a comfort zone and you do the same things with the same person.”

But it’s not all livin’ la vida loca for the singles in Singapore. Yes, they agree that not having anyone tie them down is great, but most of them would trade it all in for … a feeling. They speak of it in very vague terms, but everyone knows what everyone else is talking about. There’s a certain irreplaceable joy in being with a partner, and that’s what really gets to them about singlehood.

“I really hate that lonely feeling you get sometimes, when you’re just chilling by yourself,” says Miguel somberly. “It’s not so bad when you’re surrounded by friends, but when you’re on your own, it just hits you.”

“The lack of copious amounts of sex!” laughs Frank, but continues in a more serious tone, “There is a strong longing for someone who really understands you that you can relate and talk to. Someone more than just a friend, you know?”

› Settling Down

The Ol’ Ball and Chain

When it comes down to it, everyone, it seems, sees the single life as a means to an end. Marriage is on everyone’s mind and no one has any qualms about it. “Of course I want to get married eventually,” says Natalie. “I don’t want to end up being Bridget Jones!”

For most at the table, the factor of parents pushing them into marriage doesn’t really play much of a part. “I won’t allow anyone to pressure me into something as huge and as life-changing as marriage,” says Eileen. “It’s a big decision, and it’s my life, not my parents’. If I’m ready, I’ll do it. If not, I won’t. No matter how much you nag.”

The main concern when it comes to marriage, however, seems to be that sense of self and whether it will be lost in the long run. Frank feels that it can’t be helped. “Devoting yourself to the family and the kids—that’s what you’re supposed to do,” he says.

Natalie even relishes the thought, saying the idea of the soccer mom life appeals to her. But she seems to be in the minority. Singles seem to want to keep their identities when they utter the magic words of “I do” and a lot of them truly believe that it’s possible.

Eileen says that it’s all a matter of working at it with your significant other. “I want to have kids, yes, but it’s a very thin line between having kids and devoting your entire life to your kids,” she says. “You don’t have to forget about yourself and your life. You need to be with that one person who understands that they have to give you a stab at having a healthy normal life too.”

The Right One

And that’s what it really boils down to—that ever-elusive right one. There isn’t a doubt that everyone at the table is looking for that someone special. And heck, the ACPG Sex Survey results revealed that 61.9 percent of men believe in love at first sight, compared to 54 percent of women. For all the banter about one-nighters and playing the field, at the end of it, they would all like to be with that person who fits them perfectly.

Whether or not they can find that person, however, is a completely different story. They mostly agree that if given the choice they would never settle for just anyone, but the reality is that they understand that it may not be their choice to make. “I think looking for ‘the one’ is actually quite unrealistic. I may be a dreamer, but I still have my feet on the ground,” says Amelie.

But there is also hope among them. As clichéd as it may sound, romance isn’t dead. “I believe that no matter what, you should always marry for love,” says Eileen. “Sure, there are other practical considerations and I’m not saying to dismiss those, but always–always –make sure you truly love the person you’re marrying.”

“Marriage,” Frank says in a slow careful voice, bringing the discussions to a quiet close, “is sacred. Most singles are being pressured so much that they get married to shut people up. And when the shit hits the fan, that’s how the rut sets in and how it festers and you end up hating your wife. I’d rather wait for someone who’s, at the very least, the one closest to the one.”