That’s it. We’ve had it with this Western media propaganda trying to shove its belief system down our chimneys. These ideas just can’t work here, where the poor are greedy and uneducated—yes, we’re talking about Christmas. What else? As such, the National Christmas Reform Committee has outlined a new proposal and demanded the Finnish Embassy ratify it within 24 hours or be forcibly occupied.

 

1. Santa Claus should no longer visit the homes of children whose parents don’t pay income tax. And no, value added tax and those sin taxes you pay on gas, booze and cigarettes do not count. It’s income tax or nothing.

 

2. Obviously, Santa Claus may no longer wear red when giving handouts. A uniform for the Royal Thai Santa Claus is currently being brainstormed by the designer of Miss Universe Thailand’s outfit.

 

3. As per tradition, Santa Claus will continue to hand out 80% of his gifts in Bangkok, and a mere 6% in the Northeast. Nevertheless, it is still perfectly fine to complain about the fact that the poor are hogging all the good gifts.

 

4. Instead of people asking Santa for what gifts they’d like directly, a panel of 80-year-old men with distinguished military or academic careers will decide in their place. This is to avoid them asking for dumb crap they don’t really need and to make sure they get plenty of socks and dharma books instead.

 

5. Milk, cookies or Johnnie Walker Gold should no longer be left out for Santa in the hope of getting better gifts. All donations should be sent to the National Christmas Reform Committee directly.

 

6. Just to be clear: we can accept Fox News' claim that Santa Claus is definitely a white man, just as long as he’s not Lao, Khmer, Malay or Rohingya.

 

Failure to comply with our demands will result in your embassy being bombarded with flaming Ikea Christmas trees.