It is me, the Divine Unborn Child of Lin Hui the Holy Panda Mother of Chiang Mai Zoo. Yes, pathetic humans, like all Saintly Pandas, I, Panda God Baby, can communicate telepathically—or via free weekly lifestyle magazines—in times of great pain and epic traffic jams. I bear (ha ha) a message of great import for you miserable souls: The Shutdown is coming.

First, traffic will be as bad as a back-to-school day on Soi Convent. Then, the shriek of a million million whistles will descend upon the city. Finally, 7-Elevens will be raided for Mama noodles, domestic beer, rice wine and water (in that order). You will feel hunger, confusion, and perhaps even constipation if the Mama noodles diet lasts too long. 

But there is hope. There is a middle path to enlightened peace. You must follow the Panda God Baby! I propose a completely revolutionary plan where 69 pandas selected by a secret committee of 45 elders chosen by 13 monks of Shaolin will elect four people from a secret list to draft a proposal plan on how to draft Thailand’s reform committee. Only by following my celestial plan will Thailand find peace. The other plans are worthless crap that I poop on, not because I am biased, but because pandas are much more awesome than you feeble-minded humans.

In exchange for my help, I must of course request that you fully cooperate with the Panda Reform by suspending your own pathetic electoral process until I consider you smart enough to pick your own leaders. In fact, I ask you stay home and stay tuned to the 24/7 Panda channel on True for 18 months straight to prove your dedication. Fear not. Watching me, Panda God Baby, cures hangovers and hemorrhoids. It also expands the mind and develops the political consciousness of even fools such as you. So don't touch that dial and leave your fate in my supremely capable paws. 

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